to all those human persons who wondered why the Swimmies of Doom had a lone representative protestor at the democratic convention, and why your obama person is full of shit.
we have been asked a few times about our political affiliations. we are fish, and don’t have any, though, like all of nature, fish are liberal anarchists. many human persons are surprised to hear this, due to propaganda and misreading of charlie D’s theory about survival of the fittest. we are also socialists and actual libertarians, all at the same time! yay! (note: an actual libertarian bears nothing in common with either the creepy old man ron paul, or the creepy young man paul ryan.)
now the Swimmies of Doom happen to be democratic, in that we vote, a lot. but we are not democrats, as in the american political party that bears this name. as for the question that inevitably follows, “are you republicans”, we laugh and we laugh! are you insane? why on earth would we support a political party that quite literally stands against absolutely every single one of our own self interests? what do you take us for? are we human persons all of a sudden, just because we have a tumblr?
now last time there was an election we saw there was a choice between a brown human person and a very white human person. the very white human person, mccain, was the republican, and seemed to be surrounded by humans even more crazy than he was. the brown human person, obama, who won, was the democrat, and also a few of us have met him, swimming in the water around the beautiful place you call “hawaii”. so we liked him better. we admit it. this is just a fact. also the mccain human person decided to pick a running mate (we assume this is some kind of temporary sexual thing you american humans have as part of your politics) who was orcashit crazy, and wanted to drill all over our oceans! holy carp, we said with one voice, from our wall in red hook, watching the television, temporarily forgetting our pain and torture and humiliation at the hands of the wicked redheaded boy person! what the hell is wrong with her? she lives in ALASKA, it is beautiful there, SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!! does she want every square inch of this planet turned into oil slick? basically, what the fuck, lady? and so the very white human person did not get our vote.
now the obama human person has, over his years in office, paid a lot of lip service to “clean energy”, though some of that is make believe. for example, there is no such thing as “clean coal”, and nuclear energy is one of the most inefficient and dirty and cancer-causing forms of energy production on the planet— and that’s without counting the half life of nuclear waste and the potential for a fukishima-type disaster. also it is totally not carbon neutral, let alone carbon free, because of how uranium is mined and transported. but, to be fair, the obama human person has generally supported wind energy, and trying to up mph on your vehicles, and he has supported solar, which we think has real potential, as the german human persons have been showing for some time now— IN GERMANY, which is not exactly a warm sunny place— even though there have been some setbacks, which the republican human persons like to snicker about and camp all over, because they are losers who don’t like to try new things.
the obama human person has been as bad as bad could be when it comes to drill baby drill. he and his wicked cohort ken salazar, who does not care about us or have our best interests at heart, or yours, for that matter, because guess what? when the planet burns, you’ll be burnt too. just because you’re human doesn’t make you better than us! but we digress. he and his wicked cohort ken salazar have opened areas of the planet to drill baby drill without compunction, and have not gone after the oil companies and their misdeeds, or, in fact, their subsidies. while the republicans are snickering and chortling like teenage boys over solyndra and the bankruptcy, these multi-billion dollar companies are continuing to get SUBSIDIES, which is a political slang term for kickbacks and bribery and, maybe, blackmail. that’s what the blobfish says. so to republican human persons, solyndra, a clean energy company that was working on solar panel technology and went bankrupt because that’s what happens in a capitalist system from time to time, that company should be snickered about, but the oil industry, which will destroy our entire planet in due time, should continue to be paid off for doing something they would be doing anyway.
and this doesn’t even begin to touch the whole fracking natural gas thing. which we expect to destroy our waterways and rivers, and we have no doubt someone will eventually notice we have natural gas under the sea too. yeah, we do. true story.
so, to sum up: we never bother with the republican political conventions, because that is a waste of our time. our liliFriend remarked to us once, “you can’t fix stupid”, and this is true. you really can’t! but then there is the democrats. and yes, we went there, to hold a sign, and stand in the rain, and cry for our planet, which you don’t have to kill bit by bit, but you choose to, obama.
you choose to.